2009

TOM CHAMBERS DIVISION

RUB AND TUG 

After an impressive tournament debut last year, Rub and Tug is looking to avoid the sophomore slump. Their PR firm advised them to lose the “Poundtown” name to try clean up their overly physical reputation. Once again this team is led by Stevie “Nicks” Stone. This newly engaged baller will soon learn how rub and tug comes full circle in life. Whitney Houston’s scouting report described him best by saying “It’s Not Right But It’s Okay”, cause he’s gonna go left! “Joss” Stone jacks 3’s from the hip…literally, but don’t be caught laughing when they’re splashing in your eye. After Stone Rubs you from outside, “Abercrombie and” Mitch Ewing will tug you on the inside.  It’s not easy to get a rebound on this wrestler when he’s got you in a Half Nelson, Ball-in-Chain or Saturday Night Ride. When a shot goes up, he will plant you farther away from the hoop than his family’s nursery. Everyone knows that when there is rubbin’ and tuggin’, explosion is inevitable…and that comes in the form of Clayton “Dixie” Hicks. Like a machete, Hicks will cut through the lane, stop for a second to intimidate you with his tats, jam on your face…and then intimidate you with his tats one more time.  Clayton is a Commissioner favorite as he was a member of the greatest AAA Redmond Little League baseball teams to ever not win the Redmond City Championship (aka the Matt Tobey’s Dad umpire scandal of 1990). These undersized overachievers are back to make believers in ’09, rubbin’ and tuggin’ toward a championship.

THE COMMISSIONARY POSITION

They just walked in, to see what position the commission was in…

Some say two dunk hoops commissioners on one team are company, but three is a crowd. That will be put to the test at KCDHI-4. This team will be bringing the spread offense. This powerhouse of a squad leads of with GM, coach, and player, Commissioner Martineau. His dunk hoops game has been declining since the early 90’s, but he believes it has stabilized before nuclear meltdown. No left hand, a disgusting jumper, and size 13’s that barely get off the ground are no liability when you add hustle, leadership, experience, and a good looking wife. I wouldn’t sag off this dunk hoops veteran or he’ll pull up from downtown…and pass…to two Clark County dunk hoops commissioners. The first being Matt “Far Side” Larson. This dunk hoops phenom came back stronger than ever from a knee surgery two years ago and is not afraid to show you during his poster shoot at KCDHI. He’ll even sign the poster for you after the tourney at the keg. When he doesn’t want to yoke on you baseline, you better get up on his jimmy cause he can stroke it clean like Martin Sheen. You think we’re kidding? He’s an early favorite to win the 3-point contest, put that in your pipe and smoke it. The second Clark County Commissioner, Luke “LeDownfor” LeCount, is just more of the same, and that’s not good for you.  It’s no surprise that his favorite onomatopoeias are “WHAP” & “SPLASH”!  When you think of LeCount “of Monte Cristo”, think “Earth, Wind & Fire” meets “Guns ‘N Roses” …what?...yeah, it’s gonna be September Rain suckas! It’s about to get nasty on September 26th. They won't bend you over on the court, oh no, they'll roll you over...cause it's the Commissionary Position!

TWO AND A HALF MEN

This trio is definitely not one you want to ignore. They might try to sneak under your scouting radar with their CBS Sitcom name, but don’t be fooled. Team captain  Roy “Bud Fox” Bordner knows the game better than anyone, and that’s no joke. While physically we might want to call his team Three and a Half Men, his dunk hoops wisdom more than makes up for quickness lost during last year’s wedding process. Roy “Jones Jr.” will give you a 1-2 punch with 3’s and baseline drives that will leave you wondering which one to guard. Roy “Rodgers” Bordner knows not to ride into battle solo, this genius of a GM surrounded himself with two Redmond youngsters with some serious game. “I am” Sam Colter needs no Dakota Fanning to make his performance great, just his natural skills. Colter “45” is one lanky mamajama that will disappear in the sky before coming down on ya, like Mortal Combat character. “Ann” Colter isn’t afraid to bust out the hard hitting moves with his smooth handles, J whenever he wants it, throw downs…and defense swats that will make you go silly. The final teammate on this ridiculously skilled squad is Christian Yeager “Bombs”… YEAGERBOMBS! “Sister” Christian is a straight shooter who, if given the open lane, will be motoring in for a jam session. As “Chuck” Yeager blasts past, all you can do is sit back and admire his sweet left hand touch. Often referred to as the left handed Larry Bird, you’ll have to see it to believe it. Two and a Half Men will leave you with a loss, and a crappy jingle in your head of dunks, dunks, dunks, dunks…dunks, dunks, dunks, dunks.

DINE-N-DASH

The team formerly known as “Pause” has changed their game and attitude. The self proclaimed “sexiest man in dunk hoops”, Albert “Spiderman” Carter, has the most prestigious award in Dunk Hoops, the career dunk leader of the 2006 Redmond Dunk Hoops League…and that demands your respect. However, this team has been getting snubbed by the AP pre-tourney rankings since they debuted in 2006. After streamrolling opponents in round robin play at last year’s KCDHI, they were talking smack about the haters behind their pre-tourney ranking…only to get trucked by a Cinderella commissioner squad in the first round of the tourney. They’ve had 364 days to feel this pain and that is not a good thing for you. Albert “Get” Carter will be back, Spiderman t-shirt and all, looking to do what he’s does best, dunk on you…and your Mom. The Twin Towers are back as Brian “I’m not a fan of Satan” Caton joins Carter in the front court. Caton may not be on his way to the NBA, but he is on his way to an MBA. More educated and in better shape spells trouble for opponents. He’s one lanky dude, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t take a few steps back and drain from mid-range…and then ask for change. When asked about his defense, Caton responded, “Dunk on me, ha ha, how is that even possible?” Caton also has been angered by disrespect by tournament pre-rankings, but he didn’t get mad, he got even. What the Commissioner believed to be a friendly lunch in Renton to watch the March Madness this past year turned sour quick. Caton came, ate a Philly Cheesesteak with the group, left the sports bar, and stuck his bill to the Commissioner! It was that day that team Dine-n-Dash was born! They’re now looking to win at any cost…or no cost at all. Replacing Cody “Scalabrini” Geddes at their guard slot is Matt “Annika” Sorenson who is sure to drive this team to the top. “Cold” Sorenson is no stranger to our dunk hoops association, but it’s been a while. He actually played in the original Redmond Dunk Hoops Tournament in 1998. Little is known of Sorenson’s current status. What we do know is he was an athlete back in the day, especially on the baseball field. That being said, Commissioner has beef…with the elder Sorenson. Matt was on the Royals, the 2nd best team in 9 year old Redmond Little League that had a city championship trophy land in their lap (see earlier team preview “Rub and Tug” that references the Matt Tobey’s dad umpire scandal of 1990). I would love if his Dad (a super nice guy) attended the tournament because the Commissioner would love to have a drink and discuss this incident, as well as another one that occurred in 13 year old baseball all-star team where Sorenson’s Dad was the assistant coach and observed the head coach’s son showing up from the hospital late to our tournament and going right into the game as the Commissioner continued to ride pine. What was the kid in the hospital for you ask? Oh, just a 13 year old with alcohol poisoning, that’s all. Might as well put him right into the game before 6 guys who had been riding the bench all tournery, that sure teaches kids the morals of life. But I digress… bottom line is an athletic Sorenson at guard with the tallest front court in the tournament leads to trouble for you, we’re talking big trouble in little China type trouble. 

DUNKY BREWSTER

Every time you turn around, you’ll see this team that burns you up and down…the court. You’ll be standing there as these three lift off the ground. You’ll get smoked so bad you’ll want to “Soleil Moon” Die. Saying this team was just slapped together would be disrespectful. It’s more like they were a custom assembly job, handcrafted. At the point guard position is Jason “Dunk Hoops Wardrobe MVP” Prall, and he’s back looking for a 3peat in wardrobe and repeat in championship play. Whether he’s running the floor, busting 3’s, throwing one down, or just flat out impressing you with some ridiculously random jersey, “Arsenio” Prall will be fist pumping all day. No worries, it’s Prall good baby. Joining “Chris” Prall is Seth Startup “Company” and he means business. Startup is no stranger to dunk hoops, making a name for himself in the RDHL of 2006 with his patented spin move that made many a man look embarrassed. Whether it be a crisp outside jimmy or his aggressive takes to the tin, there’s one thing for sure, Startup will make a grown man crrrrrrry! And just when you thought this dangerous blade couldn’t get any sharper, this team hits you with a Mike Tyson’s Punchout star uppercut with Stefan “Andy” Dickason. This man is the best player in dunk hoops right now, and like The Monkees, Neil Diamond, and Smash Mouth, you’ll become a believer! One word of advice, don’t put it off glass. “Richardason but you can call me” Dickason has been known to carry Windex with him at all times because he doesn’t like to leave fingerprints when he’s up there cleaning up your sorry lay-ins. Dickason’s so good, he even carried a Commissioner to a championship in the inaugural 2006 tourney. The only thing that has proven to stop him is an appointment with a wedding photographer, and that looks to be behind him this year. If you face this team, we’re sorry, maybe the world is blind or just a little unkind… cause you’re in trouble when you face Dunky Brewster.

XAVIER McDANIEL DIVISION

ELBOWS DON’T GET TIRED

Legs get tired. Bodies get tired. Heck, even the mind gets tired. But elbows don’t get tired! These old time Redmond veterans play ever game with this motto. This team is basically named after Allen “Wrench” Andrews. This premier Portland U6 soccer coach’s hoops game is in peak condition, his body…not so much. We won’t even get into the details of his ankles and back, but let’s just said an ambulance we’ll be parked in the driveway. His elbows however, are in the best shape of their life.  A.A. will give you the 12-step program when it comes to the mechanics of a textbook step-back fadeaway jumper. In fact, “Marcus” Allen’s world famous move cannot be stopped, it’s that unstoppable. This team will control the tempo with their floor marshal, the ageless Michael “The Pushman” Cushman. Cushman and Andrews were teammates on a historic team that made a run for the national intramural championship in Louisville, Kentucky cerca 1998, that’s how good they are together. Cushman’s handles are so solid no one has ever stolen the ball from him, except one time in 2001 when his shoes were untied. “Mix Master” Mike has been on a never-ending journey in search of a dunk hoops championship, he’s got the t-shirt collection to prove it, and he knows KCDHI4 could be one of his last great opportunities. Rounding up this trio is Matt “Huck” Finlinson. Huck, cause he will huck 3’s all day.  “Helsinki” Finlinson is accurate, but not long off the tee and has a great short game. Finlinson is what some call a “country club” athlete, lettering in tennis and golf in high school. There are rumors he could stroke a mean 3 ball in his old days at the Bordner court and at WWU in the six foot and under league, but all the Commissioner just sees is dust on Finny “Cooper’s” shooting hand these days. But just like tarnished silver, his shooting hand can be polished back to excellence. Here’s the facts: Andrews and Finlinson will get tired, Cushman might get a little tired, but all of their elbows will never get tired.

THE MAGIC CARPET RIDERS

Little is known about the newest team to the King County Dunk Hoops Invitational.  But here’s what we do know, the rest you can leave up to your imagination. First, get your Steppenwolf album ready and crank it up. C’mon, LOUDER! This team is anchored in the middle by team captain, “The Tower of Power”, Adam “Oh Would-ya” Wujick. A mathematical Sensei to the Commissioner off the court at Redmond Junior high, and he will teach you on the court as well. He has a game that has been called a cross between Patrick Ewing and Xavier McDaniel (and we honor this by placing their squad in the X-Man Division). His turnaround jumper is a thing of beauty that brings tears to the eyes of grown men and women alike. Adaaaaaaam “Gina” Wujick sets many obtainable goals like a true teacher should: his primary goals while playing hoops are to get up as many shots as possible while not getting hurt. While “Wujusthappened” is teaching you to count by 2’s, he might just kick it out to Chris “I never miss” Fleharty, another RJH math teacher who will teach you to count by 3’s. Fleharty has been described as old and out of shape, but doesn’t realize it. With his mind playing like his old CWU days (yes, we occasionally let in Central kids, but not intentionally), your mathematical odds of beating them could be slim. Like Wuj, C-Fle has set goals to have more points than turnovers, with at least one bucket coming in the paint. The third man on this roster is an unknown dunk hooper who goes by the name Surintr Desai. No, that’s not a typo, and our announcer’s booth is already calling for a formal pronunciation, relax. “De-sai” he is a couch potato who spends the majority of his free time, well, sitting on the couch. Other rumors go deeper, calling out his laziness, limited physical activity, weight, and long benders of television viewing.  Suri “The Fury” Desai does partake in activities designed just for his couch potato lifestyle like fantasy football leagues and dunk hoops. These are all just rumors and have not been confirmed. One FACT we do know is that no matter how hard he tries, sources say he’s always a stroke or two behind Finlinson (of Elbows Never Get Tired) on the golf course, ouch. Due to the Dunk Hoops Physical Aid Special Needs Program Assistance Bill passed in 2008 during the Dunk Hoops Congressional Session, all teams “older than dirt” are eligible for a 4th man on their roster. And that 4th man is Dave “If I could” Dernbach “Time”. Very little is know about “Sebastian” Dernbach except for two very important things for your scouting report, so get your pen ready. He likes long walks on the beach and rootbeer floats…a scary combo. This team likes to dream, right between their sound machine and you don’t know what they can find…so watch out for the Magic Carpet Ride…rs!

JIMMY DOLAN SHAKE AND BAKE

When the front office at KCDHI Headquarters first received this team name, we thought for sure there was foul play involved. Jimmy Dolan Shake and Bake? These kids are way too young to know about this. Being the youngest team in the tourney, the only Shake & Bake they know is Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly. Was this team even eating solid foods in 1994 when Kevin Bacon went to Africa to recruit Saleh? Okay, maybe they were looking for new moves in the dunk hoops offseason and rented this classic on Netflix, that must be it. But wait a second, it’s not even available through Netflix (weird, I know)! But enough about confusion in our front office, it’s time to introduce the team formerly known as The Camby Court Legends. These Sehomies of Bham bring youth, immaturity and hella highlights folks. This team leads off with team captain James “Dean” Monrean. He’ll crash right into the boards alright. Much like The Last Starfighter, “Preen” Monrean is one of The Last WWU Football QB’s. I’m sure he’d like to dunk on Bruce Sheppard’s face right now, but that’s another story. “I got games” James will pop a jimmy, throw an alley or flush one himself, it all depends on his mood. Joining the squad again is Brad “A Hard Days” Wark. This UofH Dude-Bro might not be emotionally stable enough to play in the tourney because of the hardship of losing his Point Break idol. Brad “Nowell” Wark is best known for his sublime dunk hoops skills and form fitting shirts. Last, and certainly not least on this team is Travis “T” Fridrich. TFrid “& Roy” was a magic act all over the court last year. He was the unanimous winner of the Commissioner’s favorite tournament award, most exciting missed dunks (aka the Greg Quitiquit Award)! Anyone can cram an easy one, but it’s players that go big and push the envelope that lead to crazy awesome missed dunks. “Travisty” had several that were so money, we couldn’t afford NOT to put them on last year’s highlight reel. Although they were upset early in tournament play, the Sehome Green is a highlight machine (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjzX4j4k2rU) looking to redeem. First you think they’re gonna go left…so they show you left. Then you think they’re gonna go right…yada yada yada… dunk you very much.

DA ZAGS

The 2007 champs are back…and they want more hardware. Da Zags bring a full arsenal that plays hard until the end…and more importantly drinks hard until the keg is tapped. Whether it’s an official dunk hoops WNBA ball or a red keg cup, this squad is all about teamwork. “Horace” Grant Zurmely leads this squad with his “light switch” style of play. Light switch you ask? Yes, he either turns it on or turns it off, nothing in between. Zurmely leads the new environmentally friendly “green” dunk hoops movement as the player who conserves the most energy in the tournament. But just when you think he’s turned his battery to the power saving setting, he’ll lob one off the glass and flush on your shocked self. Anchoring this squad in the middle is Eric “I put the work in dis” Dworkis. Grandfathered into the KCDHI prior to height restrictions, he is a lanky tower than can touch both sidelines when he stands under the hoop...it’s crazy like Stretch Armstrong. And just to piss you off more, God thought he’d pick on us more by giving Dworkis range from outside, not nice. This year Zurm and Eric’s Awesome Show (Great Job!) made a replacement at the guard position. Rumors on internet blogs have stated they were upset with their longtime point guard Ryan Franklin who was“caring more about Mac & Jacks than W’s” and “costing them their repeat title last year”.  Franklin fired back with a tweet this week saying “Da Zags? Probably the stupidest team name in the tournament! Those guys couldn’t pour water out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.”  But even with all the drama surrounding this personnel change, many believe it could be an upgrade to the roster. Newly acquired Todd “Lubin” Rubin will give you the business on both ends of the court. “The Rubinator” will single handedly shut down your team’s best player with his intense D. So intense, Shawne Merriman said, “Todd REALLY doesn’t let you breath out there.” How’s his knowledge? He knows the game so well he’s one of the youngest high school basketball coaches in the state. Oh, but I bet he’s out of shape right? No, the kid does half Ironman competitions, so he probably won’t be suckin’ wind like you. Watch out for them on the court and get in line behind them at the keg. You zig, dey ZAG!

40’s the New 30

The Banchero Boys and their Rainier Valley style are back for blood…and not looking to do it with a Cher soundtrack. The oldest team in the tourney last year surprised a lot of you young kids…more than Santa or the Tooth Fairy ever did. Much like Favre, these old timers just won’t call it quits, cause they still can compete. Why fill out your AARP paperwork when you can still throw hammers and light up the scoreboard. Once again Lee “from thhhhreee” Adams is back running the show at point guard. When he’s not throwing sick-nasty behind the back passes on highlight films, he’s pouring it in from downtown, taking it to the rack…or looking for an oxygen tank on the sidelines. When he’s not coaching at Holy Names, he’s coaching his teammates all over the court. They remodeled the team this year, but the jury is still out on whether it was a good move or not. Think of it as the opposite of Extreme Home Makeover, because when you get rid of Fil Fossett and replace him with Greg Martineau, your team didn’t get better looking, that’s for sure. After losing last year’s unanimous female fan favorite Fil, this team thinks G-Mart’s faucet might flow more when it comes to W’s. Greg “I love using glass more than Chihuly” Martineau is a one man machine…and by one man, we literally mean it, he doesn’t acknowledge his teammates. He will shoot from crazier places that Plaxico. Knee dribbles, skyballs, turnarounds, it’s a circus that always comes to town. Did we mention it’s unstoppable? There’s only one thing that stops Gregory Martineau, and that’s himself…look to see his back give out early in the tournament (or forearm him in game one if you’d like to speed up the process) and then he’ll need his teammates…for once. The nucleus of this squad are the Brothers Banchero. Small has never been an adjective associated with these beasts. How they can be blood relatives to a scrawny Commissioner is something we don’t have the answer to. Whether it’s on the UW football field, at the family meat market, or at the Four Dragons, these Italian brothers intimidate and destroy. Mario “You Best Not Call Me Mary-o” Banchero is a tank that can fire from outside or slash inside on a highlight film and leave an exclamation point. On his way to becoming an over-the-top sports Dad that would make Todd Marovic’s Dad jealous, he’s not ready to let go of his career unless he can walk out on top with a KCDHI championship. Mario’s older and scarier brother Angelo “Pudding Pops” Banchero is a force. His flat footed 3-balls and alley-oop attempts leave opponents speechless. He might not make it rain, but it’s always quite a bit Misty with Angelo. Even if the lane is clogged up, he’s going to take it in…cause there’s always room for A-n-g-e-l-o. Yes, they might be the only team in the over-40 dunk hoops league in a couple years, but until then I wouldn’t take them lightly, or you’ll be another notch in their size 48 belts.