2007

I-5 DIVISION

TEAM TRON

It was a no-brainer to decide what team to lead off the King County Dunk Hoops Invitational (KCDHI) team previews…TEAM TRON. This team signed up with a team preview. And for those of you who weren’t on the initial email, it went a little something like this:

We are pleased to announce the formation of one of the most dynamic, formidable and explosive dunk hoops squad ever assembled, Team Tron. Please make sure the rims have reinforced nylon nets because Pull-up Tron Style will be in full effect.  It's raining threes, hallelujah!! Our squad consists of David "The Missle" Premysler, a long time friend (and possible former member of the KGB)  who is about 6'2" and 175 lbs, and unfortunately, not a ringer. Our second member is Eric "Balls Deep" Arnsberg, who is an original member of Tron +1 ready to penetrate or pull out.  Last but not least there is me, Rex "The Long Donger" Frieze, who Vegas has as the odds on favorite to take the 3 point contest at 2-1. We are asking that all three of us be entered in the long ball contest, none in the dunk.

If you don't know about Team Tron, ask you Mom!

Team Tron has been a commissioner favorite ever since the broke onto the dunk hoops scene in mid 2006. Contrary to popular belief, Tron is not derived from Voltron, but in fact from Beaverton, OR. It would be cooler if they were 5 cats that defended the universe, but to each their own. One thing is for sure, if passion could be cashed in for victories, we’d give them the title. But unfortunately it can’t. We love their write-up, but it was missing a few key things. Arnsberg’s nickname is not “Balls Deep”, but in fact “Ricky Retardo” the “Jewish Jordan”. We almost banned him when we discovered he bets on the WNBA…seriously. We are however excited about the “Russian Missle”. Any team that can have an authentic “international” block is a prime contender. However the missle may seek cougars on MySpace better than the bottom of the net. And last but not least is “W-R” Rex. Oregon scouts say this guy has put on massive LB’s since getting a girly on lockdown with a ring. Plus he’s got a bum heal since he apparently hurt it when hopping a fence while playing tennis with the Misses. But don’t underestimate The Tron because these under 30 year old kids from Oregon will splash more than Daryl Hannah. You don’t think these guys want it, they own I-5 on the drive up here and are the first team in the I-5 division. Plus if you're a dunker, get on their good side because Team Tron will once again be "Simon" on the dunk contest judge panel. 

PAUSE

There you are on defense, head on a swivel, sliding your feet, but you PAUSE for a split second…and that’s when you have a problem. It doesn’t matter how much Al Quida you bring at team Pause, these twin towers won’t  fall. With the tallest front court in the tournament, Brian “Hatin’ “ Caton and Albert “Spiderman” Carter will pack your ish more than the fellas at Monroe State Penitentiary! Now you want to talk offense, ohhhh Spiderman himself holds the Redmond Dunk Hoops League record for most dunks in a season. You want touch? Caton gives the big man look but will surprise you with a 10 foot J softer than Phil Mickelson’s man boobs. The problem is you’ll be in battle focusing on the towers of the castle…then from over the walls comes Cody “the Catapult” Geddes from supa-deep. He’s the optimal point guard to feed the big men and then he’ll be strokin’ like Clarence Carter all day. This team will tease you, then kill you, with inside/outside play. How far they go is up to them. Critics know they have the talent, but wonder if this team has enough stamina to go deep in the tourney. Filmmakers are also pissed that Carter has completely shaved his ‘fro, because he was the hair poster child (also 1st team all-hair, see photo gallery) of the 2006 slow motion intro to the highlight film: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQKJa7jm3G8.

DA ZAGS

In order to receive state funding, dunk hoops has to ensure participation from alumni from all major Universities. So to meet our Gonzaga requirement we've enrolled Da Zags. Don't be confused, they did submit their team originally as Team Zags, but then completely revamped their image with a genius PR move and replaced "Team" with "DA". Grant "The Worm" Zurmely leads this attack of these Bulldog baseball players. Zurm has been coined the most versatile player in the tournament. He's like a crazy box of chocolates, you just never know what he's gotta bring at 'cha. Similar to Kendrick, Zurmely will chew you up on the court and then have a chew WITH you off it. But before you get a buzz, you get pitched a monster big man in Eric "The Stork" Dworkis. The Stork because he's tall you ask? Yes, but NO…the fact is he delivers it baby! With Riverdance footwork, this big man will bring you a mound of trouble inside. Any joke we thought of on his last name we're sure wouldn't be original, and after he gives you chin-nuts on his dunks it won't be funny anymore either. Zurmely and Dworkis chemistry is smooth after playing in last year's KCDHI together, and now they're adding Ryan "It's all about the Benjamins" Franklin. To be frank, this kid is cash. But he always wants more...to get grants like Horace. We used to call him Aretha or make Mariner's pitcher jokes, but then he apparently got in on dunk hoops open outdoor gym and ran it like Carl Lewis...respect earned.  Critics believe if this was a 3-on-3 tournament of the boring sport of baseball, these guys would be a sure bet. Unfortunately it's dunk hoops and we'll have to find out if they got skillz like Bo-Jack or Primetime.

REDMOND 911

Get up, get get get down, Redmond 911 ain’t a joke in our town! The AP Poll has this squad ranked #1 going into KCDHI-II. How did this team come to be? Well take a cauldron, mix in pure shooting, fundamentals, and a hefty dose of experience and you get Redmond 911. These salty veterans will teach you youngsters how to play dunk hoops. James “Showboat” Paulsen is the foundation of this team name as this Redmond lawman will arrest you off the court and shoot your lights out on it. A man of very few words, this silent assassin has balled at Skagit CC, Western, and was even a part of Commissioner Martineau’s Redmond Athletic Club championship team back in 2005. He will Royally take it to ya. Next on this insane roster is “Ally” Al Andrews. One of Redmond High’s finest, Al was selected All-Kingco and McDonald’s honorable mention for WA State in 1994. A combination of handles, height, and a Larry Bird release allow Andrews to shoot and score wherever he wants, whenever he wants. Just when you thought this team was done, you bring the purest point guard of the tournament out in Mike “Fun-D-Mental” Cushman. Turnovers? Cush has never heard of them. Smart shots? Those are the only ones he takes. Dunks? In his coffee or his pool, that’s about it. Did we mention Andrews and Cushman were members of the national intramural tournament of 1997 in Louisville, Kentucky (Greg Martineau was also on this legendary team)? But these veterans are saltier than the Great Salt Lake, this team is all over 30 years old!!! The salty knees of Andrews require two braces. The salt of James just recently resulted in a newborn son. Cushman’s salt doesn’t retain any water as he amazingly stays at fight weight all year round since 1994. 

SR-520 DIVISION

KEEP IT CASUAL

Last year’s runner-up, this team doesn’t keep anything casual. More explosive offensively than a gasoline fight next to the Olympic torch, they were last year’s highlight film. K.I.C. is returning the nucleus of their ’06 team with Brandon Stone and Kendrick Tipler. Don’t blink, cause Stone will take you to the rack, high five a few cheerleaders, kiss your mom, get a drink at the water cooler, and still have time to get back on defense. Stone is also no stranger to letting his teammates know “It’s Their World”. Brandon will straight St-own you all over the court. Kendrick “the Cripler” Tipler will smoke you on the court…and then smoke WITH you off the court. He doesn’t need to play D when he doesn’t miss a 3. And with the fall of Carter’s ‘fro, Kendrick is a hands down favorite for Hair MVP after last year’s unveiling of the ‘Fro-Hawk. But don’t think this team didn’t make adjustments in the offseason. The addition of Ray “Dwight” Clark was a homerun for this roster. He’s often seen dominating the post at the Tuesday night pickup games at St. Anthony’s in Renton. Watch the bows, cause he had them surgically sharpened in preparation for this tourney. We're also gonna be calling Clark "Vin Diesel" since he put in the largest t-shirt order, going with a XXXL. Critics question the defense of this team. In response to this Kendrick replied, “Defense, we’re talking about defense???” Did we mention Chef Tip is catering this year’s tourney? Keep It Casual isn’t just a team name, it’s also his catering company! Get ready for some brats, pasta, wings with his special sauce, all barbequed courtside during the day.

BOOTY & THE HO-FISH

Silly name, but not silly game. Don’t get caught mocking the team name as these three have more dunk hoops experience combined than any other team in the tourney. Greg “Booty” Martineau has resurfaced in 2007 with a lot of hype coming out of the Redmond Dunk Hoops Tourney this year. An anonymous opponent calls Martineaugame “the best player to 10 points in the dunk hoops”. His visually disgusting game will make you laugh, then make you cry. Runners from half court, he’s got ‘em. Lefty hooks and ankle high dribbling, yeah it’s in the bag of tricks. G-Mart once led a 4-man Bellingham city league team to victory by scoring 48 points, true story, the “FIG JAM” (F I’m Good, Just Ask Me) will tell you all about it.  Ian “Drop it like it’s hot” Smith will back you down, then drop a supa-soft fade-away on you like it ain’t no thang. What can you do? NOTHING, absolutely nothing. It can’t be blocked. And when he doesn’t want to exert as much energy (which is most of the time), he’ll stand at the perimeter and drop rainbow 3’s all day. Want an advantage, put Commissioner Roy “Search & Destroy” Bordner on your squad. MVP of the RDHL #1, Royboy flat out knows the game inside and out. Bordner has never gone to a real library, but if there were a dunk hoops library he’d spend all day there. Ever wonder why he had a favorite direction and spot on the arch as the home court, let’s just say it wasn’t superstition. He may not have the home court advantage anymore, but he’s still got the advantage. This team plays two sides of the ball, offense and offense. Their only defense may be a reach around (now don’t get excited!) as you fly by to the tin. But you should expect to see these guys deep in the tourney.   

TRIPLE THREAT

Take you off the dribble, bang ya inside, or bomb ya outside, Triple Threat brings an all-around game and are huntin’ for W’s. Stefan “Mr. Dunk Hoops” Urquhart has always been known for his intense inside game but in recent years has evolved into a 3-pt machine. Where does his range start you ask? Let’s just say if his feet are on the court he’ll shoot the rock from there. No lead is safe with Urquhart in the game. And watch out, he also specializes in grunts that make Monica Seles jealous and deathly stare-downs that will leave you speechless. If a shot ever misses, then you have another problem, and his name is Ryan “Wilt” Chamberlin. This man will give you 20,000 problems on both ends of the court. Battling in the paint or taking it outside, if he was a shot, you’d definitely make him a double. The final threat is just what the doctor ordered. Lars “Arm of the Law” Anderson doesn’t know if he passed the bar yet, but he’ll sure as hell raise it on the court. The “Swedish Tsunami” is workhorse who plays by the Princeton playbook. He may not be the biggest guy at the tourney, but fundamentals, a sweet J, and soccer stamina more than make up for it. Critics the team chemistry of Triple Threat, but DHA spies do know that their secret team practices in the recent weeks may pay off big.

TRE STYLES

One team name, many meanings. At first we at the DHA were confused and thought they were making reference to Stiles, Rupert Stiles, Michael J. Fox’s sidekick in Teen Wolf who got him to surf on top of the van. But that Stiles did produce a teen wolf clothing line and these 3 players’ game brings style equivalent to Cuba Gooding Jr. (Tre Styles) apparel in Boyz ‘n tha Hood. This team was specially recruited for this tournament, that’s how bad the Dunk Hoops Association wanted them to be a part of this event. The first lady of dunk hoops, Hadley Martineau, is pulling for her hometown heroes more than Maid Marion cheering for Robin Hood in an archery tournament. The nucleus of this team is two Olympians. No, they didn’t play in the Olympics, they are just from Olympia. Matt “Crash” DeBord was All-Rivers and All Black Hills League at Olympia High School back in 1998-1999. And just in case you thought he was soft, he threw on some pads and geared up at WR for the UW Huskies, so you know he’s got hands. He’s actually a member of the 4H Club (Height, Hands, Handles, Hooks). Jason “from the windows, to the” Prall is another multi-sport athlete bringin his game to the dunk hoops arena. Realizing that Gonzaga is for sissies and their baseball team blew chunks, he transferred to the greatness of WWU and even threw on some football pads himself. What better way to put a fork in opponents than actually have a guy from Forks. That’s where Kasey “the best thing to come outta Forks since Dan Santman” Ulin comes into play. He brings his skills from a one stop light town to the big lights of King County. Rumors of this man are that he’s quicker than a squirrel in the Ho Rain Forest and he’ll crash down on the rim harder than the tides at Kalaloch beach. These rookies lack experience and could struggle adapting. However, their practice of jump hooks in the driveway may allow these Oly boys to capitalize! 

SR-405 DIVISION

TEAM AWESOME

Proven winner, monster hustle, and a mystery talent, now that’s awesome, TEAM AWESOME! They are gonna be good on the court and their team name is not afraid to tell you about it. This team is led by team captain Ryan “High-Flyin” Haggart, who was a member of the inaugural Redmond Dunk Hoops League (RDHL) #1 championship team in the summer of ’06. This baller is already a proven force. His nasty combo of size and strength make even Hulk Hogan jealous. When he drives the lane he flushes more than a lactose intolerant milk chugging contestant. Haggart is joined by his cousin Corey “The Tasmanian Devil” Knudtson. Corey subbed a few times for the RDHL and makes your hustle look lazy. I guarantee you the hedges on the side of the court will get a few guest appearances. Knudtson will give this team Jolt Cola energy boost on both ends of the court, and will single handedly bring momentum with him.  Their 3rd man Jason “Crazy Killa” Arriaga, hails from the Mountain of Si and balled it up at BCC. Word on this street is that they refer actually refer to this guy as BCC, Big-ups, crazy crams! No official report on Jason makes him scarier than Halloween. Earlier scouting reports believe this team could be the streakiest in the tournament with monster momentum swing capability when you least expect it.

Elderly Shea Butter Carrying the Team in a Small Tournament

Don’t call them daughter, cause this team is better than Vedder. The youngest team in the tourney, the riot act of these kids will bring more energy than a Mike McCready guitar solo. Led, and carried by Kevin Shea “Butter” these guys will make you hail hail to their even flow of running and gunning. Shea Butter is no stranger to Dunk Hoops, as a former MVP of the 2006 Redmond Dunk Hoops Tournament. He’ll give you an animal big man game, but why go inside when he’s got the jimmy from outside? He works for the Sonics and it’s been rumored that Kevin Durant himself has been giving him private dunk hoops workouts. The next two players are some kids who love to take it to the tin. Stephen “Did you get that on video” Martineau basically makes a living selling dunk hoops posters and videos…of himself. Do you want to be on his 2007 KCDHI poster? Better hope you don’t face him then. Rounding up this group is Steele “Rock the Manger” Granger. You better drop the leash when you go versus him. Make sure you yield and get out of his face before he spins your black circle with some high rising highlights. This team will leave you in their rearview mirror with all their pearls of jams. I don’t care what color you dream in, you can’t find a better team. With so much tournament talent from beyond the arch, this team could suffer with a subpar outside game, but hope to make up for it with energy, stamina, and hunger.

Stephen Martineau's Internet Highlight reel:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCG8FH4tP9Y

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYiy8-NacO8

You're next.

VIKING QUEST

Last year’s champs are back, and they aren’t changing a damn thing. These WWU Viking alum and their boy Johnny Drama have one thing in common…VICTORYYYYYYY!!! Once again this powerhouse is led by player/coach Lee “I organize so I can play” Martineau. If intangibles were points, he’d lead dunk hoops in scoring. But since baskets equal points he doesn’t put up a lot of numbers. Let’s just say the deer and the antelope have a lot more range, but they don’t have defense and moldy/crafty moves. The fact is this, he’s played a lot of dunk hoops, he just wishes that experience resulted in skill improvement. Riding his coat tails for the second year in a row are Stefan “Sickason” Dickason and Joe “Bucketz” Sullivan. Dickason is a human highlight reel who doesn’t take the elevators up because they’re too slow. International blocks, Slamball springs, and crammajamas that will make you say “that was Sick-son”. Martineau is actually in the process of writing a book titled “Life Isn’t Fair: the story of WWU hoops giving Dickason the shaft”.  Sullivan can be found in the thesaurus, under automatic. It’s been rumored that the Dunk Hoops Association charges him a higher entry fee to cover the costs of the nets he damages…Bucketz! He won't say a lot on tournament Saturday, but you'll wish his jumper would shut up. If you’re taking the quest to the title, you better prepare to face these Vikings and hope you don’t get raped and pillaged. Dunk Hoops philosophers believe you’re only as strong as your weakest link, and if that’s the case this team is in serious trouble. 

JUMANJI

Roll the dice and unleash the excitement. Rookies of the year, you’re looking at ‘em. Austin “Make ya wanna” Roupe has got skillz…and oooooh, he’s coming this way. “Alley” Roupe is possibly the most athletic player in the tournament. He’s new to dunk hoops, but he’s not new to dominating the opposition, just ask him about Hoopfest. The newbies keep rolling out the talent with Lucas “with the lid off” Hansen. Catch the vibe, catch the vibe, this guy brings Spo-kompton attitude to the court and you don’t wanna mess with it. In fact, his jump shot is suing the Vegas nightclub Pure for copyright infringement…it’s that serious. The man who will welcome you to the jungle is Jack “John Mark” Carr. Another member of the DHA All-Enthusiasm team, Jack is a gangly dunker who will make lots of noise, both with his skills and his sound effects. And when it all pans out, Jacko is hoping the KCDHI championship will be out of his dreams and into his Carr. There’s one thing this team guarantees with their name…crazy jungle monkey dunks. Lack of dunk hoops experience could hinder this team and cause a little Doubtfire, with Carr the only veteran as an RDHL player. Don’t expect that to last long, soon they’ll be welcoming you to the jungle like Axl.