2008

RICKY PIERCE DIVISION

DA ZAGS

After last year’s mocking of their team name change from “The Zags” to “Da Zags”, these 3 bulldogs made us eat our words by taking the title. Now they’re back to repeat and we’re not laughing this time around. Once again the mortar of this team is Grant “ZZZ” Zurmely who will lull you to sleep with his lazy game. You turn your back on him for one second, thinking he’s just taking a fat dip at the 3-point line, but that’s what he wants you to think as he’s crashing the boards for a tip-jam. Joining the self awarded “GM of the year” is a Commissioner favorite Ryan Franklin “& Beans”. Favorite because of his title or his game? Neither actually, but because you may have seen him sportin’ the www.dunkhoops.com car decal rollin’ around the eastside, that’s what we’re talking about. Franklin & Beans represents the sticker by backing it with a smooth as ice game that makes droppin J’s or assists look easy. The anchor of this pirate ship in Eric “Stretch Armstrong” Dworkis. This kid is a freak, pushing the limits of dunk hoops eligibility, his wingspan makes Michael Phelps jealous. Instead of buying your girl a treatment at Gene Juarez, just bring her to KCDHI3, cause Dworkis be giving out facials all day! These guys are already talking, repeat...these guys are already talking repeat.

PAUSE

Even though we never saw the movie, we’re pretty sure that Albert “Spiderman” Carter is gonna be just like Spiderman 3. After being a dominating presence in the RDHL of 2006 by leading in dunks, poster child of the KCDHI-1 video, he then cooled off at the KCDHI2. Some saying Ray Clark stole his spidey sense and now he’s filled with rage and his leotard ain’t red anymore. We at Dunk Hoops know that last year’s plummet had solely to do with one thing, the cutting of his afro. Ask Sampson how he did when his hair got cut? Exactly. Since there has been no word of a new afro, we don’t know what will change for this tourney. Maybe just attitude. Seeing younger players have the desire he once had put his Dunk Hoops career back in perspective. The “hey baby, I led the RDHL in dunks in 2006” line to the ladies at the club is getting dated...time to go back to work. His teammate Brain “Waitin’ to get up the court” Caton is claiming an extensive offseason training program. With rumors flying of 20lbs shed (didn’t know you had that on you to shed?), Caton with stamina has got us worried that this team may have the burst it needs to go deep in the tourney. Now we’re not expecting Usain Bolt outta the guy, but anything more than what we’ve seen in the past could cause equivalent damage. If the twin towers of the C&C Dunk Factory are hussin’ up the court, that spells trouble for the little kids, big trouble! Once again returning to the guard position is Cody Geddes “Nutz”. Coming in a Dunk Hoops virgin last year, he’s now got a tourney of experience under his belt and is looking to capitalize on the knowledge to go with his fierce skills. Watch out when Geddes “berg” addresses the hoop. Much like two turntables and a microphone, two towers and a mini Scalabrine is gonna scratch you up and drop more than a beat on ya.

MARKY MARK & THE DUNKY BUNCH

Comradarie, teamwork and chemistry can barely start to describe this team. This squad will be bringing good vibrations from the wild side, there is no doubt about it. The WWU roots run deep with MM&DB, from Mathes Hall to Lakeway Drive, this team has spent time together...how that really is going to transfer to the dunk hoops court, we really don’t know. A few dunk hoops games together at Bellingham’s Parkview Elementary cerca 2002-2003 may be just the experience they need mixed in with some bottom division rec ball on the infamous Full Court Mess. Their all-around attack begins with a Steve Kerr-esq shooter in Josh “why tell the truth when I can” Lystra. This male nurse will leave you yelling “Focker” as drops 3-balls like an IV. When asked about other aspects of his game, “Lenny” Lystra responded “feed me, I’m on fire!”. What better way to give your team an edge than to have the Commissioner on your squad? Lee “scoring, what’s that?” Martineau brings a ridiculous amount of dunk hoops experience to this team. He also brings lots of effort, passes that make his team laugh, and a disgusting jump shot. And it’s not like having your wife making fun of you from the announcer’s booth helps either. But if he ever got hot from outside in his life, we can’t even imagine how ridiculously unstoppable he’d be. The 3rd man and nucleus of this night train is “Sponge” Bob “Squaredunk” Kendall. “Gangles” Kendall will extend his long arms of the law and rebuke your sorry floaters inside and flush the scraps hanging around the rim on the other end. Some have criticized his stamina in years past, but a triathlon in late September has got him trained into peak shape...and that’s something we’ve never seen. Some also wonder how much time he’s truly been putting in on the court since he’s apparently been making babies...literally. 

This team is about to get sweaty...we’re talking rainforest sweaty...they are going to fill the bathtub with sweat.

2 IN THE CAKE 1 IN THE PUDDING

More like 2 in the old folks home, 1 still walking. We even thought about putting them in a separate Dara Torres division. But what they lack due to age, they more than make up with craftier than Martha Stewart skills and experience, a ton of it. All 3 of these guys played at Redmond High, graduating in ’94,’95, and ’00. This team leads off with the youngster Roy “late entry” Bordner. That’s right, the co-commissioner that is such a UW bandwagon fan he’s already off it after last week’s performance and got tix to the KCDHI instead of the BYU game. “Sigfried &” Roy will attack you like a tiger with his game. 3 ball from the arc or a quick burst baseline, anything you want, Roy “Orbison’s” got it. He’ll work the ins and outs of dunk hoops rules like a prosecutor, stuff you didn’t read in the small print. His Dunk Hoops wisdom is at an all time high while vert/quickness may be at an all time low. And Roy’s the youngster on this squad, the following two players are over 30. Next up is Mike “check, 1-2” Cushman. He wrote the book on basketball fundamentals and amazes us by maintaining the same weight of 150lbs for the last 15 years. Basically home court advantage for Cush living a couple minutes away, but could the lack of sleep from a firstborn daughter “Add” some sluggishness to his game? Probably not. Fact is this, when it comes to his jumper, you can’t monitor that baby! There’s one thing for sure, Greg Martineau is always in the pudding, pudding the ball in the hoop that is. Whether it’s one foot runners from half court, back pain hunched over shin high dribbles, lefty scoops, or nasty bank fadaways, this old timer will disgust you with his gross arsenal. G-Money always comes to dunk hoops determined, determined to take more shots than a vaccination center. Always guaranteed to cast the longest 3 ball at any tournament. Prepare for everything with this team, cause that’s what they’re bringing.

WE-BE-PROFEN 

Okay, we were just warming you up the other day when we were talking old teams. When we asked this team what country they were from, they said “the only one, Pangaea”. Yeah this team is 147 years old, DEAD serious. They are so old we’ve granted them special treatment, a 4th roster spot for in game substitutions. OH STOP YOUR CRYING and deal with it, your sorry ass won’t be dunk hooping past 30. This team be bringin’ its old school street game from the Southside, Rainier style. First up on this legendary squad is Lee “LC3” Adams. This 38 year old graduated from O’dea High School as a 6’ point guard, but since cut the high top fade to reveal a 5’7” court general. The jumper is a little rusty, the crossover a little dusty, but the rest of the game remains. Like the beverage, “Samuel” Adams has got potent hops, and he’s not afraid to pour it on you. Next up is 39 year old Fillmore Fossett. Fill “the bucket and keeps running like a” Fossett is the eldest statesman of the group (he went to school with your daddy) but by far the most in shape. “Fossil” Fossett is the oldest player in KCDHI history (anyone on this team is in fact) and is ready to teach you kids a few things about the game like a true Seattle Times cover boy Big Brother would. Long before Rainier valley ever heard of Lodrick and Rodrick, there was the deadliest brotherly hoop tandem of all time, Angelo and Mario Banchero AKA Boom & Doom, Slam & Jam, Funk & Dunk, Tired & Out of Breath. These two former Huskies bring Championship experience (one a national championship ring to prove it) and will ensure that Husky Nation has something to smile about on Saturday. With six kids between them under 4' 5" they have been practicing for years on low rims in preparation for this tournament. How big are these guys you ask? Huge. They don’t have to run around in the shower to get wet like the rest of you bean poles. You’d be a beast too if you took part in their Rocky workout program where they punch hanging carcasses for hours on end in the deep freezer of the family meat market. You’ll be the same when you face this team, dead meat.

EDDIE JOHNSON DIVISION

CAMBY COURT LEGENDS

Dunkhoops.org web hosting servers have been overloaded since it’s launch in early 2005 and every year we are contacted by ballers from all over the U.S.  These emails either tell us our hoops aren’t 10 feet (smart ones they are) or want to know if they can play in our tournaments. After we put these emails through an intense screening process (you’d laugh at the garbage we have to go through) we occasionally come out with a possible gem. This year’s unknown invite comes from the greatest city in Washington, Bellingham. Funny thing is we’d actually seen their YouTube video long before they had ever contacted us. The video looks like a bunch of jokers playing on a 6 foot rim, cerca 1983 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3LVgIxLFDI8 ). But after they contacted us and we got more info, it seems they may have the last laugh.  All three guys were 3 sport athletes at Sehome High (with the awards to go with it) and played collegiate sports. Team captain James “keep it clean” Monrean is a beast. He was a high school league MVP in football and took his show to the greatest school in the state, and quarterbacked at WWU. A beefy 6’1”, 235lbs that could possibly do some damage inside or out. Next up is Brad “my bite is worse than my” Wark who took his baseball skills to Treasure Valley CC and then onto the University of Hawaii. Apparently injuries forced him to focus on weightlifting and surfing. That injury is called baseball boredom, but don’t worry there is a cure, it’s called Dunk Hoops. And it is Wark’s Dunk Hoops court that this team is named after, but unfortunately no court can be considered legendary unless it’s photo has been submitted and recognized by DunkHoops.org, sorry. The third B’hamster is Travis “my dunks are sick” Fridrich. High school hoops league MVP and all-league WR in football. “Kirk Hinrich” Fridrich took his hoop skills to Edmonds CC and onto the powerhouse known as Northwest Nazarene.

This is all impressive information, but here’s what we really know. QB’ed at WWU? Unless your name is Scott Mitchell, never heard of you! Played hoop at Sehome? Unless your name is Spinks or Stevens, never heard of you. Played baseball? We don’t recognize the sport, don’t worry we don’t watch paint dry either (yeah, that’s right Da Zags). After this tourney hopefully we’ll change our tone. Glad you guys are coming down.

ERIC’S LITTLE HEROES

Don’t let this team confuse you. These guys are Dunk Hoops prototypes. How do you make sure your oppenents DON’T take you seriously, just bring in some 6 foot and unders from Olympia, Forks, and dare I say...Shelton. Jason “lick my” Prall “sack” once again has put together a monster contender for KCDHI3. Prall “that and a bag of chips” has the small market town recruiting in his pocket and we believe this could be their year. JP “Patches” once again brings his satin smooth game of 3 balls, layups, and Wardrobe MVP (can the Pistons jersey be beaten?). Returning to King County once again with Prall is Kasey “Jumps into Outer Spacey” Ulin. After we got over laughing that we had a Dunk Hooper from Forks last year, Ulin blew our minds by taking the 3 point AND dunk contests. The only guy to show up with a full European league game jersey, Ulin broke ankles with nasty crossovers and springs that make Inspector Gadget want some.  New to the squad this year is apparently Shelton’s finest (is that an oxymoron?) in Aaron “Highclimber” Brown. Only scoop on this guy is that he played for Shelton High back in the day. All we could dig up was that this choch woke up the Commissioner’s wife and her friends at the DMB Gorge concert in 2000 at 5am with some rambling about nonsense, and they weren’t even sure where he came from. Ohhhh, and apparently he’s no Dylan Shanahan. Call Komo news and get Mr. Johnson and his video crew out to the KCDHI, cause his heroes will be putting on a show and you won’t wanna miss it.

WHO FARTED?

I don’t know? But something smells not right with this team. It’s starts with the fact that this squad is from Eastlake, or in the words of Coach Haines, “the other school”. The Commissioner was visited by the ghost of sports past and these 3 nightmares were relived. First we start of with Kyle “so sue me” Yasui. This man has been causing Commissioner linebacker nightmares since his early 90’s peewee football days on the rival Redmond Eagles, Evergreen Eagles, and Eastlake Wolves. “Phooey” Yasui brings mad quickness and athleticism to the court...and that’s not good for opponents. Little is known of his current market value, but if K.Y. is still lubricating like his ol’ football days, there’s gonna be trouble. Next up is the ghost of Commissioner church past in Colin “my wife’s name is actually Gina, not Geena” Davis. “Ballin” Colin not only haunted the Commish in all sports, but then had to mess with his Sunday mornings too at Catholic church. Then to top it off he’s up in Commissioner’s face at elementary school carnivals with wives teaching together, it’s a nightmare that can’t be shook. All around game with the size and strength to muscle inside while his teammates run circles around you. The final nightmare is a lifetime thorn in the side of the Commissioner...ex that, we mean nail gun. Nick “Oh, oh, oh” Omatsu has been causing serious grief and we are worried it’s going to continue with this tournament. Nick “the quick” is most likely the shortest dunk hooper at the tournament, but unfortunately this SOB is one of the quickest things you’ll ever see in any damn sport. Whether it be returning punts by tiptoeing up the sidelines in spots you never thought possible, knocking down overtime passes in OT in Ellensburg to crush the Vikes, or just slicing and dicing the Mustangs, we love to hate this man. We’re calling Chappelle, cause Omatsu is up for Hater of the Year. Watch out for the plateau kids, cause nothing on the top but a bucket and mop and an illustrated book about dunks...

SILENT ASSASSINS

Silent Assassins is an understatement. These kids really don’t say much at all. We recall it taking an entire season in the RDHL before we got a conversation out of them. That being said, these guys LOVE Dunk Hoops and it shows. They personally bring extra pairs of tennis shoes and nets because they go through ‘em so fast. They are Dunk Hoops Coaches Award winners every year, but can they win without “Glass Jaw” Dickason is the question? Team captain Greg “winners never” Quitiquit has been itching to get back on the Dunk Hoops scene for a couple years now. More explosive than eating a bowl of chili mixed with laxatives and doing situps, GQ Smooth takes it to the rack hard...and he’s not looking for lay-ins! As we’ve said a million times, when he misses a dunk (it happens when you attempt so many) it’s more exciting than YOUR made ones. There are worries that his physical shape may have slipped as Poppa-Q just had his first child and has most likely been hitting the changing table more than the gym. Back for his 3rd consecutive KCDHI is Joe “Smokin J’s” Sullivan. This kid is more automatic than a semi-automatic, which would only make sense. And he’s got a chip on his shoulder after last year’s exiting teammate Stefan Dickason cost him a chance at a repeat title over a wedding photographer meeting! Want to know how to stop his Eddie Johnson jumper? You can’t. Is Dunk Hoops on this kid’s mind? You bet your ass it is. Just last Thursday the Commissioner spots him picking up a pizza in Kirkland with last year’s KCDHI shirt on, that’s what we’re talking about. This year the Assassins are adding Sylvester Stallone and Antonio Banderas mixed into one...Joel Kellner. J/K is not kidding, cause it’s JK all day. “Billy” Joel has been perfecting his strings and his game in Mexico and knows when “it’s nine o’clock on a saturday it’ll be he that you’re coming to see, to forget about your sorry game for awhile”. La da da dah, dah dah.

PS: Assassins, please tell Martez that Anthony Dalton would have shown up.

POUNDTOWN

Definitely not the biggest team in the tourney, but other puppy teams are gonna learn a few things when they roll into Poundtown. Hicks and Stone will break your bones and Ewing will always hurt you. Stevie “Bad to the” Stone is one nasty lefty. He’s made an art of it. Beyonce once told him to pack his stuff up and it was no thang, he already had it in the that box. He will put his head down and take you to the rack or just step back and bust 3’s. How you’re gonna stop it is your business. Adding to the pound is Mitch “Patrick” Ewing. With the quickness and strength of a wrestler, word is he’s been been balling in the gym, so pretty much the opposite of Pat Ewing. Mitch “spew” Ewing brings his family nursery experience to the court with his Hedge and retreat defense, strong as an oak, swat you like a redwood, dangerous like poison ivy, take over like scotch broom, and leave you yelling “son of a Birch”. Anchoring this team is an old school Commissioner fave Clayton “Skip” Hicks. Hustle, scrap, heart, this man is no stranger to sacrificing the body for the good of the team. You’ll be seeing so much red you’ll think you were bleeding. Clay-ton “of game weighs more than a ton of feathers” is looking to be an Above the Rim t-shirt and elevate and decide in the air. And forget about Commissioner nicknames, Hicks Sr. is in the nicknamer hall of fame. A legendary baseball Dad, he is a must-have at the tournament if possible.

PS: Stone, Hicks, and the Commish are still trying to live up to the talent that Coach Hastings spotted 16 years ago at the 6th grade Redmond Select Hoops tryout.